saws, dual saw, blade, cutter

A Publication of The Republic of Floyd L.L.C.

(For more, be sure to visit our "Best of The Enquirer" Archive page).

Welcome to the web version of the Floyd Enquirer. Our email subscribers received their version ages ago. That edition, for special and more gifted people, contained numerous pictures of naked Floyd natives going about their daily lives just like in National Geographic. It’s also much funnier than this lame web version. If you would like to subscribe and see photos of elderly naked Floyd people …. perhaps someone you know….. simply email the publisher at tomryan@swva.net.

Sorry about the tardiness of this “February Issue” but it’s not my fault. As many of you know, “The Barbi” is my co-conspirator not only here at the Enquirer but also with the design of our sophisticated merchandise peddled at the Emporium. We’re sort of like Lennon & McCartney…… one an exceptional artiste gifted in many fields… capable of capturing the quintessence nuance of a multifaceted perception with a solitary word or image….. the other, a fairly adequate bass player ……. who, unfortunately, is just not into that whole deadline concept thing. In any event, we hope you find this issue worth the wait.
                                                                              Peace Out- Yoko

The Ultimake Restaurant SmackDown Death Match
Mickey G’s VS Oddfella’s Cantina
As part of our continuing effort to provide vital information to our readership, the Enquirer provides restaurant reviews on an ongoing basis. In our 1st installment we’re comparing one of the “newest” players on the Floyd dining scene with one of the older establishments. We trust this information will prove valuable in your dining decisions.
Mickey G’s Italian Bistro
Though the restaurant is new, for the past few decades, Floyd has known “Mickey” as Michael. It took me 10 damn years to learn to pronounce his last name! Now, while still struggling over “Guicciardo”…. at age 55 ….sober or not….I’m supposed to remember to call him Mickey…. where the hell did that come from? I guarantee you his entire family calls him Michael. He doesn’t even come close to looking like a Mickey…… Mickey Mantel…… bonified Micky! That Disney rat…. definitely a Mickey! Mickey Guicciardo…. forgedaboutit!

Oddfella’s
The first thing discerning “foodies” will note about Oddfella’s is that Julie is far & away much better looking than Mickey… Michael…whatever. On top of that she looks like a Julie. Julie knows the “Floyd New Comer Rule” ….. unless you’re in the witness protection program, you can change your name once on arrival but, after that, you’re stuck! What if Julie all the sudden wanted to be called Julia…. or Moonflower…… you can begin to see the consternation this would cause in our community.
Unlike other “run of the mill” restaurant reviews, the Enquirer will continue to provide you with hard hitting behind the scenes insights to guide you in your culinary adventures…
Next Issue
Natasha’s Market Café
The “Happy Meal” & “Super Size It” Debacle

Captain Sustainability 
Every so often it seems a new concept and buzz word creeps into the vernacular and one can’t go 10 minutes without hearing it. Remember “paradigm shift”…. “back in the day”…. “think outside the box” and “empowerment” Apparently Floyd’s new buzz word is “sustainability”….. with a capital “S”. As with most schools of thought, the sustainability movement seems to have two camps at opposite poles of the issue. When my farming friends think of sustainability they envision a 2 inch layer of organic manure covering the entire County and a population density of 2.5 humans per square mile. My business friends see an equivalent thickness of biodegradable asphalt and tourist stacked like cord wood. Me, I don’t know… the word “sustainability” only brings to mind Bob Dole’s Viagra commercial.

    Mr. T-Bone’s
 “Sustainable Relationship Book”
No one knows better than Mr. T-Bone how hard it is to maintain a relationship. With Floyd’s new emphasis on “sustainability” I’ve written a practical guide for those attempting to achieve this noble goal. In it you’ll find tried and true methods on ensuring a long, loving and satisfying relationship with your significant other. These are the actual methods I personally used to sustain my various marriages and the innumerable relationships I’ve endured over the past 40 years. Though the book is complete, I’m having a tough time deciding on a title. I can’t decide between “I’m O.K., You’re Menopausal” or “Shut Up & Make Me A Sammich”.

“Republic of Floyd Emporium”
Yippie Tie Yea, The Store Opens!!
    Many Floyd businesses were created around noble causes and laudable philosophies….. environmental solutions,  fair trade, historical preservation and the like. The creation of Republic of Floyd Emporium, however, was inspired by a primordial human impulse…. “Hey Floyd, pull my finger!” Juvenile, perhaps, but it truly encapsulates our outlook on life and, most assuredly, our business model. In preparation for opening this economic juggernaut, Mr. T-Bone spent years as an apprentice enabler at the Pine Tavern bar listening to the needs and desires of local residents and visitors. Not an evening went by that a patron didn’t exclaim…..,  “if only there was a shop that exploited Floyd’s local talent and turned exquisite works of art into banal commercial chotskies…..” I heard your anguish when you lamented; “Where, Oh lord, can I find the Floyd equivalent of a baby shark suspended in clear acrylic…. made into a key chain?” And what about our community’s imperative for T-shirts with degrading, yet vibrant, depictions of genitalia with witty sayings. Seek no further my fellow travelers….. “Republic of Floyd Emporium & Bodega” has arrived to gratify your desires …..base &  spiritual….. physical & metaphysical. Adjoining the celebrated New Mountain Mercantile, the emporium will offer a wide selection of overpriced “off premise” legal beverages to lead you down the path of enlightenment….. epicurean snack foods of dubious nutritional value…… t-shirts, hats & assorted crap with no intrinsic value…..  all served up with an awe-inspiring measure of ill will and bad attitude. Carrying on that fine Floyd philosophy that, though statistically improbable, it is conceivable that the customer could be right… we look forward to serving the Floyd community for generations to come.

Winter In Floyd

“Wendy? Darling? Light, of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya. You didn't let me finish my sentence.................”
.
Unfortunately, most folks moving to Floyd base their decision on a few visits to the county during the warmer months….. pastoral scenes framed by the vibrant green of new grass and budding leafs….. or that same scene in the golden hues of Autumn. Cows and horses contentedly eating grass …. the Little River gurgling over stones…. farmers in faded bib overalls chatting over a split rail fence……Hippies frolicking wherever it is they frolic now… Yes, Floyd can seem like a veritable paradise at certain times of year. But, woe unto the unwary newcomer unprepared for the long Floyd winters. As a service to potential immigrants I’ll try to provide a thumbnail review of the experience…..
Though the appetizer menu varies somewhat, winters in Floyd are a lot like a Donner Party….. but less festive! Once the Christmas lights come down and the snow begins to build up, the darker side of life in Floyd begins to emerge. Saturday night at Ray’s…. the guys talking about hooking up with a “hottie” …. they’re referring to body heat and a Saint Bernard would be the ultimate score! “Committed” relationships also tend to suffer as the winter drags on …..in November you thought you were living with a combination of Cameron Diaz & Mother Teresa…. by February you’re gazing across the breakfast table at Nurse Ratched’s evil twin. So, if you’re planning on moving to Floyd you may want to reconsider the bliss of chopping firewood and shoveling snow for 4 to 5 months here in paradise and hang on to that condo in Miami or that teepee in Tucson…..

Couldn’t I Just Take The “A Train?”
I often marvel at the relationships of my friends and acquaintances here in Floyd. While bartending I enjoy observing the dynamics of couples that patronize the bar. At times I’m envious of the camaraderie of the successful long term relationships while at other times it’s “there but for the grace of god….” After years of futile relationships, however, I’ve accepted my fate…… comforted in the knowledge that I share that destiny with a large segment of humanity. Though many travel a long and arduous path in their relationships….. some are preordained to  be eternally waiting at the corner…..hailing that “short bus” to romance. Perhaps it’s because  we’re gifted and have special needs. We may never be valedictorian….. rarely sit at the front of the class….. we’re often held back…and we may spend a lot of time in the principal’s office… but given enough time,  I’m told… we’re assured a social promotion…..

Time Warp
With the opening of the store I recently acquired a van to lug all the crap around that I hope to sell at breathtakingly inflated prices. I was very excited as the vehicle had a functioning radio and I’ve not been able to listen to radio for years. Needless to say, my collection of CD’s dating from the 70’s & 80’s had grown a tad stale over the past 30 or so years. You can’t imagine what a thrill it was to Turn It On…. Crank It Up and listen to…….AC/DC’s “Back in Black”….. Jukebox Hero and friggin Stairway To Heaven….. DJ’d by two assholes inexplicably sharing the name… Billy Boy Bob. Was I in a time warp? I frantically searched the dial only to discover my options were jaunty ditties about putting a cap in some ho’s ass or ersatz George Jones songs with vomit inducing saccharine two line hooks. I switched over to AM to find that Rush had asexually mutated a plague of “mini me” clones espousing the same post-evolutionary bile…..I quickly grew nostalgic for the “back in the day” Rush…. when he was a coherent Oxycodone addict!  Anyway, I’ve smashed the damn radio and am back to cruising the byways listening only to those voices in my head ….. the ones that have entertained me & advised me so wisely for decades…smackin’ that cop in Juarez….and, for better or worse… so to speak, the 2nd & 5th marriages …..

Mr. T-Bone’s Advice For The Lovelorn

Dear Mr. T-Bone
   Though I dated quite a lot in high school and college, I never really had a serious relationship. I’ve recently met a wonderful woman and I think she may be the one. I was hoping that you might be able to clue me in as to what to expect as regards committed relationships.
Signed: Anxious

Dear Anxious
    Having waited so long, you are truly in for a singular treat! Hopefully you’re a fast learner as the learning curve in the high stakes “relationship game” can be fast and furious…. if not brutal. On the other hand, even if you were a Rhodes Scholar in relationships it wouldn’t give you a leg up! You see, relationships are like joining a religious cult…total immersion in a parallel universe… excessively long inexplicable lists of “Thou Shall Nots” and an equally long list of unfathomable “Thou Shalls”. They require a humbling of ego, a large measure of servitude, a phenomenal leap of faith coupled with a total abeyance of logic …. Not to mention the incessant genuflecting. Finally, at some point very early on, you’ll be required to swallow the holy sacrament……. the purple Kool-Aid. So as Dante pithily put it in his hilarious book on relationships….. “abandon all hope all ye that enter here”…
Best of Luck- Mr. T-Bone

Image Is Everything 
Regardless of the benefits, belonging to the Floyd Fitness Center can be a little pricy. In light of the economy and local residents’ tight budgets, the fitness center is now offering two new membership options. For $5 per month the front desk will tell your friends; “oh, you just missed him….. he was here for at least two hours…. what a hunk”. For only $10 per month Ellen will tell them; “darn, you just missed him…. you know he’s teaching the Navy Seal aerobics class from 5:30AM to 10:00….” If you want to do the whole nine yards….. for another $25 Doug Thompson will photoshop 25lbs. off your butt for your FaceBook & MySpace photos….

New Year’s Resolutions 
    Unlike most of you, Mr. T-Bone is on track as regards keeping his New Year’s resolutions! By now you’re probably feeling like a total loser and, let’s admit it, you are. Me, I’m batting 100%.... got a spring in my step and a smile on my face. Mr. T-Bone’s secret? Set realistic goals that fit your personality. It may behoove you to take a page from Mr. T-Bone the next time you choose your resolutions….

1. Gain 10 lbs.
2. Only drink on days that end with a “y”.
3. Renew gym membership and go religiously for 3 weeks.
4. Buy nicotine patches & cut back to two packs a day.
5. Find a self absorbed woman with a long history of short term relationships, an equivalent emotional maturity and an abundance of unresolved issues.
6. Periodically insult people that carry large caliber weapons & handcuffs.

Gee, come to think of it…..  
As most of you are aware, I gather most of my material by simply listening to the many souls that inhabit our community. From time to time I’m privileged to hear something that sticks with me and continues to resonate. Due to content, some of these prove to be problematic in fitting them into an Enquirer issue….. we’re only here to entertain after all. A few months ago a friend of mine brought over a bottle of wine and we spent the evening commiserating. After a few hours we’d covered our youth, loves won & lost, careers et. al..  Towards the end of the evening/bottle he declared……. “compared to the rest of the world…. what more could you ask? As American baby boomers we’ve have had it all! Born  white males in the 50’s in the richest nation on earth….during a time of unparalleled plenty…. untold personal financial opportunities, all material wants & needs satisfied with a minimum of effort….gas guzzling muscle cars…. not to mention sex, drugs and rock & roll. And here we sit on our fat middle aged asses….. at the pinnacle of Western society’s history……entering our golden years with front row seats for Armageddon…..…. and best of all…. we won’t live long enough to see the barbarians at the gate. After this diatribe, I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry…. So we opened another bottle.

2010
Pine Tavern Music Season

April 30th/Friday
The Alliens
Catering By Chef Embre

May 22nd/Saturday
Electric Woodshed
Catering by Natasha

June 19th/Saturday
The Sway Katz
“The Dysfunctional Floyd Family Picnic”
Catering by Natasha

July 9th/Friday
Artimus Pyle
& The Floyd County Rangers

August 28th/Saturday
 Emily Brass Band
Catering by Kerry Underwood

September 11th/Saturday
Cream of the Crop Blues Band
Catering by Michael Gucciardo

September 18th /Saturday
Hoppie Vaughan & the Ministers of Soul
Catering by Natasha

October 30th  /Saturday
Halloween w/ The Kind
Catering by Kerry Underwood

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